When in the course of MLB free agency it comes time to hand out contracts, the Yankees have been in the habit of needing more than one person to hand out those contracts, both due to size and length of the contracts. All those papers get heavy. During the past offseason, the Yankees signed famed Rising Sun hurler Masahiro Tanaka to a contract with more zeroes in it than the G00gle; 155 million of them, to be exact. Tanaka does not have the résumé to justify such zeroes.
When Tanaka shook hands with the multiple Yankees contract delivery personnel, he had thrown exactly ZERO innings in the Setting Sun’s professional leagues. He had, however, thrown exactly 5,673 innings in the Japanese professional league WITHOUT a Tommy John surgery (TJS). As we all know, it’s a requirement to have at least one TJS in order to pitch in the MLB. Point against Tanaka.
In addition to Tanaka, the Yankees will be paying a considerable amount of money to players who won’t be playing baseball this year. For example, Alex Rodriguez will be spending this season honing whatever it is that he does off the field for the pretty price of $60M. Derek Jeter, while technically standing in the field, will contribute nothing more than a ceremonial hand wave to send crowds into fanboy and fangirl frenzies. Jeter will be getting $40M. The Yankees, maybe out of pity and condescension, are probably helping the Mets pay off Bobby Bonilla’s deferred-until-the-end-of-time contract.
Based on Tanaka’s baseball resume, and the Yankees’ penchant for paying players NOT to play, I believe there is another person who deserves a similar contract. My illustrious wife has not thrown a single inning in American professional baseball, just like Tanaka. In contrast to Tanaka, my wife does have an elbow scar from a surgery, but it’s on her non-throwing arm. It was most certainly not a TJS, but it’s more than what Tanaka has. What follows is a scouting report (on the 20-80 scale) of my wife’s musical talent compiled by a skilled eye and ear, i.e., my own.
o Can belt with the best
o Can stay in “head voice” for softer times
o Soprano, but can go into alto and tenor
o Defines characters well
o Thinks of me when needing to be sexy
o Helen of Troy is embarrassed for herself
o Having realized their mistake, the Greeks are gearing up for another invasion.
§ Will probably be repelled due to known Trojan Horse strategy
o Won America’s Next Top Model 23 times
o Is a full time teacher and essentially full time actress
o Always on time and present, even if hobbled by injury (i.e., sick)